I was talking with my father recently and he said to me that he has wasted his time & money on me. And well, that did not break me so much as I would have thought, except that I realise that I have been feeling rather guilty about being alive. It is like as though this life business is a tremendous responsibility and one is suddenly born and forced into a whole bunch of stuff and told they not only must appreciate it, but then too are expected to do a bunch of worthwhile stuff. Like schools and jobs and social things. And one must be burdened by the implication that one has no choice but to partake of this and that and can do no other than such & such. And what if one wishes for neither of these things? But let’s back up.

We asked for none of this as it becomes apparent, but did we really not? Sperm swim mad hard to get to egg and fertilize, and still must work hard to burrow in deep and make it in before some other guy. But check this, are all sperm not created equal? If it is to be one sperm versus another, would it be some other Joe or Jane and not me? And so we’ve got the survival of the fittest bit coming in real soon and real quick. Was I…fighting for the win or did I just happen to be the victor? So it is like as though life is just one great fight after another, and then death & then it all plays over again? But double back again some more; consciousness. At what point did I decide that, “I want this?” Did I just get to be born and must fight real hard to find or define purpose? Was I already born with that burning desire for this life business? And if it is surely that, how then do I seem not to be born with any burning desire for this? Further, was I robbed, then, of something tremendously great and voted most likely most essential at birth by my parents due to their own thoughts & desires on how I ought be and what sort of life I ought create? Further still, how then do they dare, with any of the various things? Surely, surely this last is some manner of mistake.. OO?

On another note almost entirely, how to retrieve an inconceivable thing one can scarcely but imagine?


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