Almost daily I have a bursting surge of energy. Daily almost the pointlessness of human life hits me with such a profound impact that I am forced immediately to bed. Failing that I choose to eat instead. Failing that I… Well I… must wallow in something deep within myself. Often I search for comfort there, other times just a place to hang to avoid the Devil taking charge of my idle hand. Somehow now I fancy the Devil is me, even as I am GOD both and Godly. A stranger chuckles in the night as if to laugh at me, but even as he does so he is filled with uncertainty.

I wonder oft if others hear me thinking, as I do hear them thinking. I wonder too do they get my meaning as I do gather their feeling? And I am lost evermore for my fervent searching for this and that which are not real instead of making. For making is now the thing as I am GOD both and SATAN, and must neither conform nor condemn but instead dominate over men. One that neither wished to be seen nor heard must now both lead and mold. And all I want is my husband to hold.

But I fear he wishes do me ill, and doth make attempts again and again. And the reason I cannot imagine for then and only then will I be empowered to stop it save devouring his soul and killing him. But what would I hold then? I fear even more that I know not my husband, and being held hostage from him. – And the strange man chuckles again. 

When you see me, know Death cometh

When you hear

Hope next to die

For the aching

Following

Won’t let you lie

But live on

Perpetuate

In ache.

Learn the system

When you love them

– The things

When you hug them

Know they’re mine.

When you’re eating

And you’re wondering

How comes it is you can eat

Think about it

And remember

That you’re eating GOD’s meat

And as for payment

As you steal

I will dine on thine flesh

You’re alive

And you’re thinking

That you’re surely the chosen

Know you’re wrong

While you’re leaving

When you cry

Know it’s fine that you cry.

For Death cometh.

Left alone with no one to love, I danced alone to the heavens above, now that the time hath cometh new, certainly the past will prove untrue, and yet the lie doth keep me awake, lest my heart can merry make. Happy times must now forsake me from mine mind where d’ happiness lie.

The delusions

Never to lose them lest sadness be all one’s knowing

From the dark part to the conscience flowing like rain along drains. Dreams do end in nightmares, fondness burns to ache, bones and blood will fade to dust, in rust doth iron break.

いつもないているのは、かんがえのことが、なんで?りゅうは、どうなのかしら?わたしをだいじょうぶかい? いいの?すみませんがいいのか。それおり、なにしてるになりたい?

I was talking with my father recently and he said to me that he has wasted his time & money on me. And well, that did not break me so much as I would have thought, except that I realise that I have been feeling rather guilty about being alive. It is like as though this life business is a tremendous responsibility and one is suddenly born and forced into a whole bunch of stuff and told they not only must appreciate it, but then too are expected to do a bunch of worthwhile stuff. Like schools and jobs and social things. And one must be burdened by the implication that one has no choice but to partake of this and that and can do no other than such & such. And what if one wishes for neither of these things? But let’s back up.

We asked for none of this as it becomes apparent, but did we really not? Sperm swim mad hard to get to egg and fertilize, and still must work hard to burrow in deep and make it in before some other guy. But check this, are all sperm not created equal? If it is to be one sperm versus another, would it be some other Joe or Jane and not me? And so we’ve got the survival of the fittest bit coming in real soon and real quick. Was I…fighting for the win or did I just happen to be the victor? So it is like as though life is just one great fight after another, and then death & then it all plays over again? But double back again some more; consciousness. At what point did I decide that, “I want this?” Did I just get to be born and must fight real hard to find or define purpose? Was I already born with that burning desire for this life business? And if it is surely that, how then do I seem not to be born with any burning desire for this? Further, was I robbed, then, of something tremendously great and voted most likely most essential at birth by my parents due to their own thoughts & desires on how I ought be and what sort of life I ought create? Further still, how then do they dare, with any of the various things? Surely, surely this last is some manner of mistake.. OO?

On another note almost entirely, how to retrieve an inconceivable thing one can scarcely but imagine?

Dreams. We do them because they are different than what reality brings. Why then dream of reality things? Who does dream and to reality clings? It is a sign of wanting, that one should covet when one wakes that waking does break the only true beauty in living: Dreaming. And that dreams should be the only true beauty in living, is not that life’s prime sad thing? The true meaning behind maddening? The mystifying basis of wanting, that one should live one’s whole life wanting to escape; and that there should be no safe place save when not awake. And yet it is the waking – that which is living – and that sleep be Death’s cousin, could that be why we ache for dying? Why we fear death but resign ourselves for its taking..?

The questions resound, all, for contemplating and, resonating, do add clarity to my day.

Two Dope 4 Wordz

Steel spiel

Writing on the wheel

Rabbit’s got the fuckers

And the farmer didn’t squeal

Steal

Stay lining like the bakers and the heel

Makers and the reel

Fakers enemyin’

Flakers and a Queen

Empress on the scene

Force is never seen

Horses never ween

Cost of butter creme

Pies ain’t never been

Lost in rhyming timing

Now the Sea just got the Z

Zee zazzer feddy woppin’ to the top

Went to see the bottom now I’m heading up the gwop

Lost with no words

Swerve without curve

Chains gettin’ tighter till you don’t know what you’re worth

Babies stay bawlin’

Bringin’ on the calming

Momma’s here hon, don’t you worry

What’s the problem?

This is not the playground

This is the mad wild 

Where big dogs fuck around

We lunge at sharks and- 
 - Call me the king wolf
We won't back down ‘cause

We hold the kingdom

We’s who the kings from

Deez nuts have the king’s son

Bring your lion king come

We'll have piece for supper

Brag about a lioness

The wolf bitch is tougher

*scoff

Jumping through the fire rings

Can't tame the fire


Try to buy a warrior 

Must kill to get her skin

Wonder wonder wonder

Cannot figure what's within

Try to replicate the kin

The fear devours from within


Snap back and your head’s gone

We wandering for chill

Locked us

In the madhouse

 just

Can’t find the right pill

Even after

My blood spills

It still screams

Kill KILL


So they threw us to the wind

Hope to see us never ‘gain

But the sea just never end

And the free just never blend

Try deceive us

Never win

Because truth lies

In the darkness

& that's just where we hang

No knot from the limb

Tell them try that shit again

We'll see if niggers never win


Photo: Screenshot from Huawei Honor 8 of Akame ga Kill on Anime1 app.

The Dawn of Death

– with bated breath

Comes to call anew

To mark the day

– without delay

Of my dreams becoming true